


The Diary of Castiel Novak

by huvudrollen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Diary/Journal, Growing Up, Multi, Music, Set in the 90s, Suicidal Thoughts, Will update tags more as the story develops, lot's of music references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-24 02:34:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7489887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huvudrollen/pseuds/huvudrollen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel writes a journal which tells the story about his teenage years</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. March 6th 1993

**Author's Note:**

> First of all i weren't born until the 90s were over so i don't know how the 90s were so this is just pure guess. English isn't my first language so beware. The romance will come later in this story. Let it take it's time. I am a sixteen year old so that is something i can write from experience! This story will be filled with lots of music references and stuff so free music recs haha. But anyway i hope you will enjoy this story as i know that the summary aren't the most interesting but i promise that this story hopefully will be! Enjoy! 
> 
> \- Nellie :3
> 
>  
> 
> Ps: Here's the link to Nirvana's all apologies that is recommended by Cas in this chapter!   
>  
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LFVQpDKHk4

March 6th 1993

It’s been rainy. I had to go to school without my rain coat as Gabriel accidentally shrunk it in the washer. There is something refreshing about feeling the rain pour down your back and leave you cold to the bone. While walking to school i thought about how i would kill myself. Would i drown myself in that lake i played in as a kid or would i jump from the big skyscraper in town. Would i write a handwritten letter to the people in my life that mattered ? Would they cry for me ? Or would they completely forget me ?. That was what i thought about as i walked to school in my soaking wet clothes and water filled shoes. Why can't we have nice things in this world ?. During lunch i sat alone at the toilets to avoid the embarrassment of sitting alone in the cafeteria. While i sat there i heard some girl throwing up. That made me completely loose my appetite and i started thinking about how quickly a hot dog might dissolve in water. Would it take hours or months ?. I never found out as i washed down the remains of my lunch down the toilet. When i got home from school Gabriel gave me a new vinyl. He handed me Nirvanas newest album in utero ”So you can add it to your collection of angsty albums” as Gabriel put it. I’m listening to it right now and my favorite song is All apologies. I believe that music describes our feelings more then words can. Feelings feels like tones and notes in a well composed song. I have to go now. Gabriel is yelling that its dinner.


	2. March 10th 1993

March 10th 1993 

 

Gabriel has convinced me to get a job. Even though i know that him owning a record store pays our bills well enough he convinced me with the promise of free records and burgers during lunch breaks. Gabriel let me choose the music. He said that my teenage angst could attract new customers. We listened to Kiss and Nirvana. After work we went home to Gabriels girlfriend Anna. She's really nice and she always makes better food then Gabriel. We ended up staying there over the night so i had to lay on the couch in the living room and listen to Gabriel and Anna go at it in her bedroom. Thankfully i had my walkman with me so i listened to the cassettes i had in my backpack and then i listened to the ones i could find in Annas house. She had many fleetwood mac records and cassettes and some with the beatles. I took one of her cassettes with fleetwood mac and i listened through the whole of their 1975 ”Fleetwood Mac” album. My favorite is Rhiannon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Link to Rhiannon 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_aYibUx1B8


	3. March 14th 1993

March 14th 1993

Sometimes i wonder why Gabriel still lets me, his 16 year old brother live with him. I know that i don’t really have another place to go to but i feel that sometimes he would be happier without me. If he didn't have me to provide for then he could go and have kids with Anna and live happily ever after. But still he lets me stay with him. I know that there will be only three more years until i go to college and he wont have to provide for me anymore. Sometimes i wish i were dead or that my parents hadn't kicked me out last year because they didn't like that i had kissed Raphael. When i ask Gabriel why he haven't kicked me out yet he just says that his life would be so empty if he didn't have me eating his food and keeping him company. I’m not sure if he just says that because he’s my big brother but sometimes i like to believe that. Today in school Dean Winchester and his stupid friends threw my backpack into the trash bin. I hate him so much. Just because he’s attractive doesn't mean he can get away with everything! Today in drama club there were a new girl. Her name are Charlie Bradbury and she just moved here to little Lawrence from Alabama. We became quick friends over our shared love of guinea pigs and music. She borrowed me some cassettes and i said that she's always welcome to the record shop i work in if she wants a friend discount. Maybe if i fall in love with her i can become normal and come home to mom and dad and stop being a burden to Gabriel. Currently I'm laying in my room while listening to one of the cassettes she borrowed me, Simon and Garfunkels album Bridge over troubled water. My favorite song is El condor pasa (if i could). I love the feel of freedom i feel when i hear that song. It’s freedom that i wish i had. It’s the wing beneath my wings i don't have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Link to El condor pasa (if i could) by Simon and Garfunkel 
> 
>  
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pey29CLID3I


	4. March 16th 1993

March 16th 1993 

Today i dreamt i were an angel. I can't decide whether it were a good or bad dream but the feeling of flying just completely overwhelmed me. When i came home from school i found two guinea pigs in a cage on my bed. ”It will be good for you Cassie two have two living being to keep you company” Gabriel said. ”They will keep you company so you don't sit here being so damn depressed all the time”. I don't know what he’s talking about. Now the guinea pigs are glaring at me angrily from their cage. I don't know what i will name them. Maybe Simon and Garfunkel. Or Bjorn and Benny. We will see. Charlie were here today and we listened to Abba on her walkman and discussed guinea pig names. Charlie is fun. Maybe i can get myself to like her. When she had gone home Gabriel looked at me and said ”I know what you are trying to do but you can’t be someone who you aren't Cassie, You cant lie to yourself”. I don't understand why he would say such a thing. Gabriel is stupid


	5. March 21st 1993

March 21st 1993 

Today started bad. When i came to school i found Dean and the other jocks writing faggot in black with a spray can. The principal has promised that the school will have it removed by the end of the week. Charlie comforted me and told me that boys are stupid and that they aren't to trust anyway. I’m not entirely sure what she meant with that as she then got really uncomfortable and left me. Gabriel are spending the night at Anna’s house so he left me money to order pizza. So now its in the middle of the night. I can’t sleep as I'm having those dark thoughts again. Those thoughts that make me think that i’m not worth anything. Tomorrow we are going on a field trip for school to a farm. I don’t think it will be fun.


	6. Mach 22nd 1993

March 22nd 1993 

I knew the whole field trip would go to hell the second we arrived at the farm. It had been raining all night and the whole farm were a muddy paradise. I were just trying to comfort myself with the thought of that at least i had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in my new bumble bee backpack that i got on my birthday in January. Our teacher Mr Olsen introduced us to the owners of the farm Mr and Mr Thompson. Some of the class giggled when they found out that they were married. We were given questions that we would answer through the day together with our assigned partner. I were rather surprised that Dean of all people were in the home and economy class. He looked a bit awkward as he were paired up with me. We started walking around the farm to find the answers to the questions. Dean continued to stare at his shoes 

Me: Can’t you at least try to at least help a little with the questions ? 

He looked up at me and i found that his eyes are surprisingly green 

D: I’m so sorry for what me and my friends have done to you 

It was quiet surprising that he said sorry. I hadn't really thought about what would happen if he said such a thing cause i never thought the day would come. Our eyes met where we stood in front of the horse stable 

Me: Let’s focus on this now 

We continued doing the questions and then when we were done we shared a pb and j sandwich while Dean, gave me an actual apology for the years of abuse I've been put through. Now I'm invited to his house on Saturday next week for dinner. My day and life took a surprising turn. Currently I'm sitting on the bus home from the field trip. I feel happy for some reason


End file.
